Divorce Defeated by the Gospel of Grace

Divorce Defeated by the Gospel of Grace
Matthew 5:31-32, 7/23/06, Kevin P. Larson, Grace Church of Columbia

Last week, I began and ended with the question, “What as a church are we going to do about lust?” I argued that lust and immorality and pornography are rampant in the culture and in the church, and we must act.

This week, the subject matter doesn’t get any easier. What will we do about divorce? I could spend a bunch of time quoting statistics to you today, but I won’t. You have all heard that as many as 50% of marriages end in divorce. Former Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating once said it was easier to get out of a marriage today than it is a Tupperware contract. And you have also likely heard that, in conservative, evangelical churches, divorce is at least just as common or is perhaps even more common. What will we do about divorce?

Last week, we looked at Matthew 5:27-30 dealing with lust and adultery. We saw that the Pharisees were proud that they were not committing adultery, but they were simultaneously filled with lustful desires for women not their wives. Jesus teaches that there is more to sin than just external actions. One who desires in his heart one who is not is wife is guilty of breaking the heart of the commandment against adultery. Therefore, Jesus commands us to take drastic measures to fight lust. Otherwise, we will experience judgment, the just condemnation for all of those that disregard God’s law.

This week, we look at Matthew 5:31-32. This passage is grammatically connected to our previous passage by a Greek “and” that isn’t reflected in your translation. But it’s also thematically attached to our last passage. The Pharisees were proud that they weren’t committing physical adultery, but they were lusting. And the Pharisees were divorcing. Their liberal views on divorce and marriage were making them commit physical adultery over and over again. But they didn’t get it. Jesus’ teachings here are pointed partially at them, but they are primarily here to teach his disciples and those that would become such, what it means to be a child of the kingdom.

Let’s read the passage and begin in prayer.

ESV Matthew 5:31 "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

This morning, we’ll be looking at what a passage in the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage, but first, let’s look the whole Bible teaches about marriage. I’ll give you ten points as we begin.

First, marriage was instituted at the beginning. In Genesis 2, Eve is created from Adam, and she is immediately called his wife. Marriage is seen as good and right. In fact, after God repeatedly said in chapter 1 that his creation of the world was “good,” we see the Lord say, in verse 18 of chapter 2, “It is not good that a man should be alone.” Something wasn’t right. Therefore, God created Eve, and, in the process, created the institution of marriage. Made at the very beginning, marriage is seen as something good and right.

Second, marriage was designed, at the beginning, to be a permanent union between a man and a woman, where each left their mother and father, committed their loyalty and exclusivity to each other, and became one flesh—not just meaning that they had sexual relations, but that they formed a new family unit. Marriage was to be one man with one woman for one lifetime. As Genesis 2:24 reads, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Third, marriage is seen biblically as a covenant. Malachi 2:14 states, “But you say, "Why does he not?" Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” A covenant refers to a man and a woman coming together, formally committing themselves to one another through solemn vows, publicly agreeing to certain stipulations, calling upon God as the chief witness. It is more than a contract. It is for life, and it is before God.

Fourth, marriages therefore are rightly formed in public ceremonies where human witnesses are present and the Divine Witness is called upon. Weddings publicly recognize that a man and woman are leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh. This is why private ceremonies are pointless and secular ceremonies are meaningless. When one breaks his or her vows, he sins against his spouse, against the community of faith, and ultimately against God. Proverbs 2:17 speaks of an adulteress “who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God.” Weddings are not simply about the couple or about their commitment with God. It’s also about a community that stands there to encourage them in, and hold them accountable to, keeping their vows.

Fifth, the man was created by God to serve as the head of the family, with the wife lovingly following his lead. 1 Corinthians 11:3 states, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” This headship is rooted in the Trinity. As God the Father is the head of His Son, Jesus, so is the husband the head, or authority, over his wife.

Sixth, this headship includes, along with guiding his family, protecting and providing. 1 Timothy 5:8 reads, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” The man bears the ultimate responsibility for his wife and children. Not following Adam’s example, he is called to keep His wife and children from harm.

Seventh, this headship was distorted by the fall. Right after their tragic mistake, God says, in Genesis 3:16, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” In other words, the divinely instituted authority of the husband, as well as the submission of the wife to that leadership, were distorted by the great sin. Now she would “desire” to rule over her husband. His “rule” would be distorted by wrong desires. Always intended to rule, His authority would now degenerate into harsh, unloving authoritarianism.

Eighth, divorce that resulted from sin angers the Lord. States Malachi 2:16, "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

Ninth, the marriage relationship is seen biblically as a picture of God’s covenantal love with His people. Listen to Ephesians 5, beginning verse 22.

ESV Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Marriage is meant to proclaim something about God—about how He loves those who are His and how those that are His love Him back.

Tenth, we also know that the death of a spouse ends the covenant. This is taught in Romans 7, as well as 1 Corinthians 7. The widow of a deceased person can rightfully be remarried.

So there are a few opening thoughts about marriage. Much more could be said. Let’s turn, however, to today’s passage. First, what were the Pharisees teaching about marriage?

Jesus quotes them in Matthew 5:31. It reads, "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' Based on everything I just said, you might ask, “Where on earth did the Pharisees get such an idea?” Their teaching was a messed up understanding of Deuteronomy 24:1-4. Let’s read that to get to what they were teaching.

ESV Deuteronomy 24:1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, 2 and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, 3 and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, 4 then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.

What had happened was that the Pharisees had taken this Old Testament passage and used it to justify all sorts of divorce. We can see that from another key passage in Matthew dealing with divorce, chapter 19, and verses 3-12. Keep your finger in Deuteronomy 24 and turn there.

ESV Matthew 19:3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?" 4 He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." 7 They said to him, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?" 8 He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." 10 The disciples said to him, "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." 11 But he said to them, "Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it."

Notice two things in the two questions the Pharisees ask Jesus. First, they say, in verse 3, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” What had happened is the Jews of Christ’s day had focused on the phrase in Deuteronomy 24:1 “some indecency in her.” Two schools of thought existed in that day—the Shammai school and the Hillel school. The Shammai guys were the conservatives. The Hillel guys were the liberals. Shammai taught that “indecency” referred to some kind of serious sexual sin. Hillel taught that it referred to any blemish a man might see in his wife.

For example, it’s commonly stated that Jewish men in that day would divorce their wives for simply burning a meal. Like it says in Matthew 5, they would “give her a certificate for divorce,” and she would be over. The well-known Jewish historian, Josephus, a Pharisee, as well as a divorcé, said divorces could be obtained “for any causes whatsoever.”

Apparently, “indecency” could be claimed if the woman just looked unappealing compared to another woman. So, the Jews in Jesus’s day were going through marriages right and left, and they wanted to know from Jesus, “Are you with the conservatives or the liberals?”

Secondly, they say, in verse 7, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” Now, look at Deuteronomy 24:1 again, and you’ll quickly see that it says nothing of the kind. It says, "When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house,” and it goes on. There are all of these “ifs,” but there is never a command. Basically, the Pharisees had taken Moses’s teaching, had turned it into a command, and had turned it into a command to divorce your wife if she cooked your eggs scrambled, when you asked for over-easy. This was the teaching of the Pharisees.

We’ll discuss in just a bit what Moses was teaching, but what we should understand now is that the Pharisees were walking around smugly, proud of the fact that they had never committed adultery, when they were going through wives like they were toilet paper. They had this view of adultery that made committing that sin more about stealing someone else’s wife than dishonoring the one you had. So If a Pharisee got sick of his wife, no matter if it was for gross sexual sin or for just having bed head, all he had to do was file a little paperwork, and she was gone. And, even better still, that Pharisee had his own proof-text from the Bible that propped up his actions. There he was, proud of the fact that he hadn’t committed adultery, while his heart was wicked to the core, and he had committed adultery numerous times.

In Matthew 5:20 again, Jesus said, “For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus, here, as in his other teachings, exposes the error of the Pharisees and takes the issue from external so-called obedience to internal, true righteousness. He also explains, here and in Matthew 19, as the one to whom the law points, how they had wrongly interpreted Moses.

Jesus says, “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Notice two things Jesus says here.

First, divorce leads to adultery. Now, folks, this isn’t rocket science, but it’s as simple as this: just because you have a piece of paper that says you’re divorced that doesn’t make you divorced. If you have something from the government that says your marriage has ended, that doesn’t change the fact that God says marriage is for one man and one woman for one lifetime. So, those Pharisees then, and those of us now, that dump our wife and get remarried, as Jesus says, it “makes her commit adultery.” In Jesus’s day, way more than today, a woman had to get married to survive. She had to have a man. It’s as if Jesus is assuming she will remarry. Today, it’s still very likely a woman will remarry, if not for other, social reasons. Regardless, if you send her away, you cause her to commit adultery, because she’s still married, in God’s eyes, to you.

Jesus also says here, “Whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Not only is that woman committing adultery by getting remarried, but the man who marries her is committing adultery. Why? He’s marrying someone else’s wife. In God’s eyes the two are still married.

Over in Matthew 19, in verse 9, Jesus words it slightly differently. He says, “Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Of course, the initiator is guilty, as well. The point is simple. The covenant vows are still binding. People can get divorced, but they’re still married. People who get divorced and remarried sin by committing adultery, and they cause others to sin, as well.

Second, Jesus says divorce is permitted for sexual unfaithfulness. Notice here what has been called the “exception clause”—“except on the ground of sexual immorality.” What does He mean by this? There are a number of things people have argued here. First, some have said it refers to fornication—premarital sexual activity. This is how the King James Version of the Bible translates it. But this seems too narrow. The Greek word used here is porneia, which as you can see is the root of the word “pornography” and seems broader than that. Second, some have said it refers to adultery alone. But there is another word in Greek that means adultery, the word moicheia. Jesus chooses not to use that word. Third, some have said it refers to a broader range of sexual sins, and I think that is right. But, for married people, it primarily has to do with unfaithfulness to one’s spouse in a gross, physical way.

In the Old Testament, adultery brought stoning. Deuteronomy 22:22 says, "If a man is found lying with the wife of another man, both of them shall die, the man who lay with the woman, and the woman. So you shall purge the evil from Israel.” In Jesus’s day, living in the Roman Empire, the Jews didn’t follow the stoning laws. But it’s almost as if Jesus here is saying that, if your spouse is sexually unfaithful, you can act as if the man or woman is dead. In all other cases, divorce and remarriage amounts to adultery, but when the spouse has been sexually unfaithful, the victim can divorce and remarry without sin. The marriage covenant has been broken already.

Let me make two simple statements about that, before going on. First, we must keep in mind that Jesus doesn’t command divorce in that situation. In Matthew 19:8, in response to the Pharisees labeling of Moses’s words as a command, Jesus says, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives.” He changes the language from that of command, to permission. Jesus is saying here in Matthew 5:32 that the victim isn’t bound to the marriage, but he doesn’t come near to commanding them to get a divorce. If we use that sort of logic, we’re imitating exactly what the Pharisees were doing. They looked at a passage of Scripture that spoke of allowing divorce and tried to turn it into a command to fuel their sin.

In fact, if we look at the Sermon on the Mount, we see a pattern of seeking reconciliation, even with our enemies, and that certainly should include a husband who cheated on you.

If we look even broader, in the entire Bible, we see God remaining faithful to His people despite their great unfaithfulness. This is what the book of Hosea is about. God tells Hosea to pursue an unfaithful harlot just to make a point—He pursues His people even when they’re not true to Him. Rather than look for a loophole to “get out,” it seems as if we should “trade up” as Christians and seek to model God’s radical covenantal love for His people in marriage. As the church father Chrystostom said, “For he that is meek, and a peacemaker, and poor in spirit, and merciful, how shall he cast out his wife? He that is used to reconcile others, how shall he be at variance with her that is his own?”

Second, we can’t dwell on what “sexual immorality” means and desperately try to see if it applies to us. Then, we’re just like the Pharisees again. Just like they were debating like crazy about the word “indecency” in Deuteronomy 24, we can debate about our word here in Matthew. We can focus on what can get us out of a marriage. Jesus focuses on having a heart that wants to stay in. So, we can’t turn this into a command, and we can’t turn it into a “catch all” term to justify our divorces. Otherwise, we’re missing the fact that Jesus is telling us to surpass the Pharisees, not just look like them.
What, then, was Moses teaching in Deuteronomy? Let’s look at it again.

ESV Deuteronomy 24:1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, 2 and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, 3 and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, 4 then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.

What we see here is Moses recognizing divorce is happening and giving regulations to it. You see all these “ifs” here: if a man finds indecency and gives her a certificate and sends her away, and if she marries another man, and if that man divorces her and kicks her out or dies, then the first husband can’t take her back. What you have here is God, through Moses, protecting women from hasty, jerky husbands. A man had to get a certificate. He could never marry the same woman again. So he’d better be honest about any indecency, and he had better be sure that he really wants to divorce her.

Remember, Jesus says, in Matthew 19:8, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” What you don’t see in Deuteronomy 24 is an endorsement of divorce, and certainly not a command, but a concession by God to regulate the practice, in order to protect His people. His people were hard-hearted fools, divorcing against His will, so He gave Moses regulations to protect them.

It’s as if you walk onto the playground, see some kids fighting, and you say, “If you’re going to fight, fight, but no punching the head, and no hitting below the belt.” You’re not telling them to fight. You’re not telling them it’s ok to fight. You’re just giving them rules so that no one is seriously hurt.

What was “indecency?” We’re not really sure. Again, adultery brought stoning, not divorce, so we’re not certain. Likely it was some sort of terrible sexual sin that stopped short of physical adultery. The point is not to supply an “out” to marriage. The point of the passage is to restrict divorce, protecting God’s people.

That is what Moses does in Deuteronomy 24. But, as Sinclair Ferguson puts it, “A passage intended to regulate man’s rebellion against God’s purpose in marriage was distorted to provide an excuse for divorce… The hard hearts that this law was meant to restrain used it to their own ends.”


Jesus teaches that divorce results in adultery. He, like us, was preaching in an era where divorce was rampant, proclaiming its evils. But Jesus was speaking to people that had twisted God’s words to say that the Lord had commanded divorce and divorce for any reason. Jesus says, “No!” Divorce results in adultery, except in one case—when marital unfaithfulness dissolves the covenant, giving freedom to the victim.

Biblically, we know of one other situation where divorce and remarriage is allowed. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:12-15.

ESV 1 Corinthians 7:12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Believers are to remain faithfully married to unbelieving spouses who keep their vows. However, in verse 15, the word for “separates” frequently was used for divorce and likely means that here. If an unbeliever leaves a Christian and divorces him or her, that believer is no longer bound or “enslaved” and may remarry.

So, Jesus says divorce is not permitted and results in adultery. But, what, you may ask is the big deal about divorce and adultery? Primarily, it tells falsehoods about God in two ways.

First, it lies about His creation. We see this in Matthew 19:4-6. Let us look at those verses once again.

ESV Matthew 19:4 He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

Jesus says, as I began with this morning, that God made one man and one woman to leave, cleave, and become one flesh for a lifetime. Divorce, just like homosexuality or polygamy or cohabitating without marriage, tells a lie about how God designed the family, the fundamental building block of society.

Second, it lies about redemption. Again, Ephesians 5:32 says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
Again, as I began this morning, marriages are a human picture of the relationship of our Lord with His people. Luke and Ann and I are reading Douglas Wilson’s book, Reforming Marriage. In that book, Wilson writes,

In this passage in Ephesians, Paul tells us that husbands, in their role as head, provide a picture of Christ and the church. Every marriage, everywhere in the world, is a picture of Christ and the church. Because of sin and rebellion, many of these pictures are slanderous lies concerning Christ. But a husband can never stop talking about Christ and church. If he is obedient to God, he is preaching the truth; if he does not love his wife, he is speaking apostasy and lies—but he is always talking. If he deserts his wife, he is saying that this is the way Christ deserts His bride—a lie. If he is harsh with his wife and strikes her, he is saying that Christ is harsh with the church—another lie. If he sleeps with another woman, he is an adulterer and a blasphemer as well. How could Christ love someone other than His own Bride? It is astonishing how, for a few moments of pleasure, faithless men can bring themselves to slander the faithfulness of Christ in such a way (Wilson, 25).

So divorce and adultery lie about God. We can talk and talk about the harm and hurt divorce brings to men, women, and their families. But the primary problem is that it tells a lie about God and His nature. Marriage is a covenant primarily because God has worked to redeem His creation through a covenant.

God’s good creation was marred greatly by the fall. But God did not abandon that which He made. He committed Himself to His creation through covenants—those with Abraham, David, and ultimately the New Covenant. Each of these covenants found their fulfillment in Christ, the One who lived, died, and rose again to redeem His people, the Church, as well as all His creation.

So, not only was marriage part of the shalom of creation—“the way things ought to be” as theologian Cornelius Plantinga puts it. But marriage paints a picture of the way that shalom is restored—through the covenant faithfulness of Christ to His creation. God made one man and woman to covenant together in faithfulness. God covenanted Himself with His creation in faithfulness.

When we divorce and remarry we lie about the “way things ought to be,” as well as the way God ensures that things will one day be the “way things ought to be,” through His covenantal faithfulness to that which He has made. It lies about creation and redemption.

The issue is again about the heart. Are we like the Pharisees, dirty on the inside, desiring adultery, and displaying that through our pursuit of divorce? Or are we broken, humble people touched by the gospel, who are clean on the inside, who deeply want to honor God by loving our spouses as He calls us to do?

I want to conclude this morning by looking at our response to this passage of Scripture in two ways. It should first humble us and draw us to the gospel. Again, as I’ve been pushing throughout this series, two thieves stand on each side of the gospel that we must avoid.

First, we must avoid the thief of relativism or irreligion. This is the way of the pagan. This would look at this passage and say, “Who cares?” This is the attitude of our culture. This says, “I’m no longer happy or fulfilled with her.” I want out. I don’t care what God thinks. That attitude, as you know, leads to divine judgment.

Second, we must avoid the thief of legalism or religion. This is the way of the Pharisee. This could have several forms. We could look at the fact that we haven’t been divorced, look in the mirror, and be proud of our goodness. Close to that form, we could dumb down Christ’s commands, keep those, and be proud. This is what Jesus is condemning in today’s text. Or we could be a Pharisee in the opposite direction. Rather than boasting in our goodness, we could beat ourselves up for our failings. This is just the same pride wrapped in different clothing. We still see keeping Jesus’s commands as contingent upon our obedience.

Both “thieves” must be avoided that sit on each side of the gospel. Rather, we must look at Jesus’s demands and be broken. We must be “poor in Spirit,” seeing in ourselves no ability to keep Christ’s demands. Marriage is hard. God’s expectations are high. Our only hope is to fall down before Him, claiming Christ’s work on our behalf. We need the gospel. Are we people that look for loopholes in what God has said or do we deeply desire to obey Him from the heart? That is what the gospel produces in people.

It is only His covenant faithfulness to us that enables us to keep a covenant with another human being. We need His righteousness worked in us. We need new hearts. Only through His Spirit can we be faithful to a spouse.
We need the gospel. By falling down in need of the gospel, we glorify God, and not self. We humble self and exalt Christ.

Second, it should motivate us to live out the gospel. I’ll speak to those among us that are married first. As people who have embraced the gospel, we are called to extend it to others, and that certainly starts with our spouses. We see this in Ephesians 5. We see husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church.
We see wives submitting to and respecting their husbands as the church does to Christ. We see husbands, who get most of the teaching in this passage, being called to sacrifice for her, sanctify her, nourish her, and cherish her.
What we see here is our experience of the gospel produce an extension of the gospel to others—the church in general, and our spouses, in particular.

So, if we want to keep our wedding vows, it will be due to Christ’s work in us, but Christ’s work in us looks like this: we are more and more gripped by Christ’s love for us in the gospel and then more and more share that love with our spouses.

Let me speak to single people for a minute. We have many singles here. How does this message apply to you? First of all, I want you to embrace the cumulative effect of expositional preaching and not get frustrated when a particular sermon doesn’t apply to your situation at one particular moment. John Piper says that he preaches God’s sovereignty week after week so that, when you’re on your death bed, dying of cancer, he doesn’t have to. In the same way, being exposed to texts like this one shapes you over time into a person that, when married, can, by God’s grace, keep your vows.

And most of you will be married, I’m sure. So this will shape your thinking now for something that you’ll experience later. But, right now, what can you do to ensure that later on, when you are married, that you can honor God by remaining faithful to your spouse? Let me suggest a few things.

First, become a person, by God’s grace, that can stay married. In other words, as I’ve already mentioned, grow in your understanding of, and love for, the gospel, and begin extending it with others. One of the best things you can do is to covenant yourself with a church in membership and begin dying to self and loving sacrificially those in your local body. Lose the tough guy, Lone Ranger approach to the world. Give yourself to Christ’s local expression of the church. Marry Christ’s church “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part.” There is a reason why local congregations have used church covenants, as we do here. We’re called to marry the church, not just to date her. If you begin loving God’s people in this radical, counter-cultural fashion, you’ll find yourself better prepared to marry a person. You’ve already been married to a bunch of people.
Second, date like one who plans to get married and stay married. It is so easy for us to act like our surrounding culture acts when it comes to dating. We date someone until we get bored, where it loses its magic, and then we move on. We date someone until things get a bit difficult, when there are points of disagreement, and we bail and move on.

It’s no wonder why, after doing that over and over again, it’s easy to fall back into that in marriage, covenant ceremony or not. Only date with the intention to marry. Only date someone you’d consider marrying. And resolve not to jump from person to person when things get boring or hard.

It doesn’t mean you should stick with someone you’re not compatible with or meant to be with. Simply, remain humble and open to God’s instruction. Maybe you’re just fighting the loving, sacrificial commitment that is necessary for marriage.

Third, cultivate in your life biblical masculinity and femininity. Whether you’re dating someone or you’re frustrated that you’re not, read the biblical picture of what a husband or wife looks like and imitate it. Men, allow God to shape you into someone that can be a head of a home, who can love your wife as Christ loves His church, who can protect and provide and guide a family. Women, let God make you into a biblical woman, not a woman the world celebrates. Cultivate the “gentle and quiet spirit” 1 Peter 3:4 talks about. Make yourself one who can submit to a man. Become a lady who can build a home and can nurture godly children. It’s better to work to become that type of person, by God’s grace, now rather than later. Spend time with husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, that display some of the qualities you long for. Learn from them.

I’ve addressed singles and marrieds. Lastly, I want to address us as a church as a whole. What should our response be to this passage?

First, we must proclaim God’s truth about divorce and remarriage in love. We must unapologetically teach what Jesus says here and must see it practiced in the life of our church. In other words, we’ll call divorce a sin. We won’t perform unbiblical marriages. We won’t tolerate compromise. On the other hand, in our culture, we will undoubtedly minister to many here who have been divorced and are genuinely repentant. We must share love with those who have been hurt and affected by divorce. We must have truth and love.

Second, and related, we must “close the front door” and “open the back door” on this issue. I used that type of language last week, which comes from Mark Dever. When admitting members, we must exercise great care, only welcoming those that display God’s Spirit by valuing and protecting their marriages.
In addition, we shouldn’t allow those to join who have unbiblical divorces and are resisting reconciliation. We have to be cautious when opening the “front door” of the church. We can’t compromise our stance on divorce when it comes to admitting members.

Regarding the “back door,” we must discipline those who divorce and remarry without biblical grounds. I’ve heard enough horror stories about a man who cheats on his wife, marries another, and then takes his place on the pew just behind her in the same church. This must not be!
We must deal with such sins as a church, removing unrepentant divorcés and adulterers, if necessary, from church membership. This is for God’s glory, for the purity and witness of the church, and for the wellbeing of the offender.

We must boldly deal with the problem of divorce in our churches. Why do they say that divorce is now more common inside the evangelical church? Yes, it’s partially because we have imbibed the teachings of our culture and have succumbed to a “no fault” divorce mentality. But, it probably has more to do with the fact that the church won’t deal with the issue at her front door or back door. We allow people to join that have unbiblically divorced and show no repentance. We don’t remove people from our midst when they secure unbiblical divorces. It’s no wonder that our churches are filled with people that are divorced. Grace Church, we must be different.

We must take this issue seriously. Several years ago, a high-profile radio preacher separated from his wife. He promised at the time that, if his marriage was ever divorced, he would step down from his pastorate. The marriage ended some time later, and he took back his promise and said that he had decided to be “faithful to God’s call.”

Justifying the church’s actions, their administrative pastor stated this to an applauding congregation. He said, “It is my biblical, spiritual, and personal conviction that God has positioned Dr. So and So in a place where his personal pain has validated his ability to minister to all of us.”

As well-known radio commentator Chuck Colson put it, “In other words, the pastor’s divorce enables him to be a BETTER shepherd of his flock?” Colson called the pastor to keep his promise and step down from the pulpit.

Brothers and sisters, I need God’s grace to keep my wedding vows. I’m not above this type of sin, as none of us are. But this just shows the ridiculous way the church has begun to view divorce and remarriage. It’s no wonder we’re such a mess when it comes to marriage.

Third, we must practice “preventative medicine” as a church regarding this issue. We must be actively involved in each other’s lives, enabling us all to keep our marital vows. This is why our gender prayer groups are so important. We can challenge and encourage one another in this area day by day so that the big problems will by and large be avoided.



Fourth, as a church, we must again strive to become a dynamic counter-culture in Columbia. We are called to be a “city on a hill.” We can be that city within a city by showing the beauty of marriage in a nation where the divine institution is increasingly not valued. Our solution isn’t to picket and yell and kick and scream when people don’t celebrate marriage in our culture. The solution is for us to display, as a church, what marriage looks like, what commitment looks like, what families look like, what godly husbands and fathers and wives and mothers look like, what difference the gospel makes in the nitty-gritty details of life—like marriage. Because, if the gospel doesn’t help in the realm of marriage, it’s not worth much. If, by God’s grace, we can shine on this issue, Columbia will notice.

Brothers and sisters, let us become people, by God’s grace, and for His glory, that will bring honor to Him among the world by keeping our covenant vows. Let us not look for loop-holes to get out of marriages and still be proud of ourselves. If tragic circumstances arise, let us look at them on a case-by-case basis. But let us default to the idea that God intended, in creation, for marriage to be permanent. Let us remember that nothing images God more than being patient with wayward, stubborn sinners. That is what we have received in the gospel. Let us extend it to others, especially our spouses.

Jesus said, in Matthew 19:6, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” He who has ears, let him hear.